Come Hell or High Water: Lesson in Resilience

Dear Friends,

Have you ever felt suffocated at work, or at school, or in friendship, or in life? Have you ever felt so much pressure on you that you were about to fall apart?

All of us have stories of woe, some similar and some different. Some circumstances are within our control, and many are not. But no matter what our individual breaking points might be, it is not "what" we are going through but rather "how" we deal with it in the end is the most important. As I reminisce about many of these stories in my lifetime that have created potential breaking points for me, I realized that one important ingredient that helps me weather the storms is my resilience - my unwavering believe that I will get through whatever the challenge, that I have mental and physical toughness to bounce back ...Come Hell or High Water.

When I was in my Senior year at Georgetown University, full of hope, strength and confidence, I applied to 25 or so different jobs to secure my future after graduation. The market was hot on consulting, investment banking, and management trainee programs at that time. I made it past many of the initial and later rounds of interviews, but in the end, I was getting rejection letter after rejection letter. I don't think I realized how demoralizing it was to see everyone securing jobs while I was still searching and not very successfully. Stress of finishing school, and not knowing what the future holds was starting to really show. A couple of months ago one of my best friends from college sent me a copy of a rejection letter from Goldman Sachs that he secretly held for over 25 years after my senior year because at the time he didn’t want me to be disappointed and quit trying. I always wondered why I didn't hear from them, but in hindsight, it was probably the best thing he could have done for me at that time. I refocused my efforts, and found a great job that jump started my career in financial industry, lead me to Delaware where I met many instrumental people in my life, and where I found the family I love and cherish today.

As I have reflected on my moments of adversity and Resilience, I can pinpoint to 5 distinct actions that allow me to get through and to find successes in the end:

1. Don't be Affraid to Use Your Emotional Crutches - All of us need an outlet to release negative feelings that could easily weaken and cloud our perception and our judgement. You cannot stop your heart from feeling the pressure of it all but finding an outlet to release it is the most important to finding your way back to Resilience. Once in a while, you need these Crutches to hold you up. For some it might be a friend, God, therapist, spouse, co-worker, pet, nature, a journal, parent, grandparents, painting, singing, etc. Whatever it is, don't be afraid to use it. Let it all out. When I was younger, my outlet was my closest friends that I could share my most intimate thoughts. Or I would pour all my negative emotions into my athletic endeavors. As I grew older, depending on the situation I built a network of people that could be there for me, as I am there for them. First step to resilience is not bottle all of it inside, but to let it out, to lessen the burden and to find safety net in the people that believe in you. Or at least the ones that would hide rejection letters to keep you sane.

2. Find Your Center - Many times when things do not go the way we desire or expect, we tend to begin doubting ourselves more than ever. We find ourselves off-kilter. But once you have checked your emotions at the door with your Crutches, I found what helps me next is spending a little bit of time finding my center again - finding my self-confidence. Part of Resilience is to be able to separate yourself from the situation and to find your center. This could be something that helps you mentally and emotionally rejoice in what's most important to you. For example, in grade school I would usually go to Moscow to visit my grandparents during winter break. However, in 5th grade, my winter break turned into a permanent move, as I was informed we were unexpectedly moving to Moscow and not returning home to St. Petersburg. I didn't get to go back to our apartment, pack my stuff and say good-bye to my friends and teachers. I would never do judo or take guitar lessons again in St. Petersburg. I was suddenly enrolled in a new school with most of my belongings arriving several months later. I focused on enjoying new things: learning a new route to school, buying all new school supplies, wearing different clothes from others since I didn't have my uniform from home and learning about new teachers and classmates. I found my center in 2 things: I love a great challenge and I love adventure. I fully immersed myself in the new life as if I was on a new adventure. Any opportunity to be on the adventure inspired me. I took up new musical instruments, showed my sportsmanship ability and became very involved in many school sports and activities I started learning a new language. I loved a great challenge, and this certainly was. I was going to succeed ... Come Hell or High Water.

3. Reimagine Your Goal Line - What I did once I found my passion/my center, I reimagine my goal line to focus on new and important things. It is easier said than done, but it is something one must do to bounce back. In the beginning of my career, I worked for a financial company and a person much junior than me and with no experience was promoted ahead of me. I had to report to her which made my blood boil. "How can someone who doesn't even know the business guide me in my performance and growth?” After using my emotional Crutches, and finding my center, I thought of the best way to approach the situation. I realize that if I resisted and rebelled, it will only show my emotional immaturity and inability to be in control. However, if I embraced the situation, took it in stride, collaborated with my new manager and made the best of it, I would show my professionalism, my maturity and my ability to rise above. I knew that my next promotion was still important to me and this was just a curve ball. I reimagined my promotion, my new path, and what I still needed to do to continue on my path. I reimagined my goal line, followed through and was promoted within next 5 months to manage my own team.

4. Be Open to Change - It is not always right, but sometimes you need a clear head to go forward. As you begin to feel more grounded and self-confident, you can now be open to more objective criticism or evaluation. Every situation, especially adversity, helps us improve and evolve. When I came to America without much of English, I had to learn on-the-go. I did OK in High School because I went to an International school that allowed everyone to be different and accepted regardless of various degrees of English fluency. As I got to college and later in my early professional career in Delaware, I continued to have feedback given to me that I needed to work on my communication skills. Even if I delivered 100% increase in production, and results spoke for themselves, I still received receive this on-going feedback. It would upset me tremendously. I felt that I had accomplished amazing things by coming to America later in my teenage years, mastered English, achieved Honors in a distinguished college, and had the ability to write 25-page papers overnight. But I realized that I needed to continue to tweak and evolve to put this feedback behind me. I enrolled in several continued education courses for speech and writing. I worked to soften my approach from a tough and direct Russian to more kind and collaborative mode of communication. It has been a long time since someone said something about my style. I do occasionally make grammatical mistakes and change my verb tenses, but I have evolved my communication skills beyond my original personal style to become more elastic and adjustable to the world around me. I know we don't like to compromise our authentic selves, however, don't be afraid to make tweaks in your approach either. Our personal and professional growth fuels our Resilience.

5. Believe in Silver Linings - I am not a very religious person, but I do believe there are plans in store for us that we might not be fully aware of. Our life trajectory no matter how imagined and designed by us will be subject to unexpected twists and turns. If I didn't get rejected from all these interviews while in college, I would have never pursued an alternative route to finding the job that in the end landed me in the Management Development program in Delaware. I met an executive through a Hail Mary Interviews who was really impressed with me and in the end would champion me in my early career.

I believe that Resilience can be taught, and learned, and as we go through personal growth via adversity, we continue to build our Resilience, and our ability to bounce back... Come Hell or High Water.

Go to Hell,

Ray of Sunshine

P.S. Madam Marie Curie said "Life is not easy for any of us. But what of that? We must have perseverance and above all confidence in ourselves. "